18 December 2023
I have a sense of peace with God. It's the most important thing in my life, more important than life itself.
That peace is rather like a living thing in my soul, and it's up to me to feed and nurture that peace. A major part of its diet is asking forgiveness for every failure the Lord brings to my memory. I'm at the age when I know how to sit for a long time quietly and contemplate the things I've done in my life. Quite often a memory comes up with pain attached.
If it was something done to me, I seek any way I can to forgive. But if it's something I've done to someone else, I often wonder if there is any way I can reach out to them. Over the years, I've tried. Aside from a precious few instances, I've never been able to find them. You would think that with the Internet, it wouldn't be so hard. Granted, it is easier, but it's seldom easy.
I admit that I have a very hard time remembering names, but I'm often quite surprised at the incidents I can recall. I can remember certain incidents from when I was just two years old. The biggest issue is that almost nobody remembers the things that loom large in my conscience. Indeed, few people can remember me at all. Once or twice, I'm quite certain they avoided me. There's nothing I can do about any of that.
Still, I strive to make whatever peace I can with humans. That's a part of my peace with God. I've learned how to grovel, if that's what it takes. The whole point is to ensure there is no doubt of my sincerity. But as noted, it's rare I even get close enough to do that, so I just grovel before the Lord.
The real issue is that in all of those incidents of regret, I shot big holes in my testimony of faith. I embarrassed my Lord. That's the part the hurts the most. None of it's enough to keep from moving forward. I don't suffer from the kind of guilt complex that paralyzes some people. I've learned that there are too many things I cannot change, and I still have my mission and calling.
I find peace in the promise that, for at least the Elect, I'll have a chance to apologize in person in Eternity. All of the scars I've put on my soul will be gone.
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